woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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