: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
