awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
