pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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