Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
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He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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