and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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