first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
