apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
