Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
