The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
this hospital has no fireball
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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