if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
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Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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