I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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