remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
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Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
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Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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