It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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