1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
