I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
