I faked an abortion last night.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
