Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Sober January is a disaster.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
