you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
