just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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