wrigley field is MILF paradise
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
