im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
