If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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