If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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