so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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