wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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