Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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