forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
