Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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