I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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