y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
