3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
