You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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