I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
