I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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