someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here