I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.