just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
