It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
