either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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