He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
