new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
