It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
