I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
