The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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