did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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