Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
