May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
