You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
