we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
