You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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