she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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