Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
