So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We have started to decorate penises.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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