Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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