so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
