I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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