I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
