he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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