I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
