we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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